New script for web-series (feedback / thoughts on it)

Mike has shown the group his script for our web-series, and aksed us weather we could give him some feedback over this weekend.

Shown below is Mikes script:

Fade In

JAKE (narration)
My name’s Jake Wood. I spent most of my life trying to be like a normal kid. But the fact I happened to be a TV star and also the lead singer of a band, meant otherwise. I decided to move away and enrolled at sixth form. That was when I met these guys.

Cut to
INT - THE DETENTION ROOM - AFTERNOON

The camera focuses with a close-up of TAYLOR’S face as he speaks to JAKE, who is sitting on the other side of the room to him. TAYLOR is sitting on top of the table.

TAYLOR (threateningly)
You see. At this college, we believe in a state of hierarchy. I am at the top. You, my friend, are at the bottom. The dirty stinking bottom. You got that?

JAKE (narration)
That’s Taylor, the head honcho as he calls himself. He delights in bullying and playing pranks on people. And then we have Valerie.

The camera moves across to VALERIE, who is sitting at a table. She has her legs on top of the table. She is listening to music on her iPod, which is playing loudly through her headphones.

JAKE (narration)
Every part of me was telling me to avoid talking to her, but I also felt drawn to her. And finally, we have Zeke Fernando, the nicest one of the bunch.

Cut to
A Previous Detention
INT - THE DETENTION ROOM - AFTERNOON

ZEKE is sitting at a table, talking to TAYLOR and VALERIE. TAYLOR is sitting on top of the table, listening to him intently.

ZEKE
We were at a house party the other night and my mate. He, erm, he had tons to drink. Like a serious amount…

JAKE (narration)
Meeting someone like him made me question why he ended up in detention in the first place.

Cut to
The Present Detention
INT - THE DETENTION ROOM - AFTERNOON

VALERIE takes the headphones out of her ears. She turns and faces JAKE.

VALERIE
So you’re an actor? What’s it like being famous?

TAYLOR
He can’t be that famous if I’ve never heard of him. Even if he was, which I’m sure he ain’t, he wouldn’t be here in detention, would he?

VALERIE
Yeah. Why are you here?

JAKE doesn’t answer them.

VALERIE (impatiently)
Well?

The door suddenly opens. SETH walks inside the room. He is arguing with TEACHER 1.

TEACHER 1 (furiously)
I’ve had it up to here with your lies! For the last time, no one has been following you. Not even this apparent spy!

SETH
If you’d just let me explain.

TEACHER 1
No.

TEACHER 1 slams the door shut. SETH turns to face the others.

SETH
Oh, hi.

Fade Out


After looking through Mikes script I can clearly see alot of effort and work has been put into writting out the scenes, so that we can get a clear image as to what it is we have to set out in order to film the actual production so that already is a higly positive point about his script.

The only thing that I can see that could cause a slight problem is that there maybe is not enough comedic values wihtin the script itself, but I was thinking it depends on how the actors portray each of the characters at auditions this wednesday, until then I will not be sure as to weather Mike has to change th script or leave it, as I said it depends on the actors, and how they portray their characters within the auditions this wednesday.

Overall I believe it has a strong base, and can easily adpart over 3 episodes which is exactly what we are wanting it to be able to do. Another change that could maybe be doen to the script is the name of the 'zeke' chracter as it will be hard to pronounce and also is maybe not simplistic enough for the storyline / production, but apart from these minor changes it is a very strong script so far and I believe it will work well.

(I will let mike know what I think of the script tomorrow so taht he can make any possible changes to the script for wednesdays auditions)

(Also I will ask Mike weather he can print off a few lines for people to say into camera for a test screening on wednesday as well as the auditions etc)